The Feeling Sorry for Myself Post

Alright. I’m feeling angsty and hormonal. I feel like I need to post something about it today, just to get it out of my system.

angsty teen kitteh

I’m probably really just a whiny person. I know those pioneer women whose husbands left for two years to go on missions while they lived in a log cabin with no running water and with their 5 kids, pregnant with #6 probably didn’t feel sorry for themselves at all while they were washing their clothes by hand. And here I am in a comfy home (albeit built back when the pioneers settled Spanish Fork, pretty much) with everything I need and my husband is actually here sometimes and I only have two kids and I’m feeling like I need to whine about stuff. I’m sorry I’m so lame.

And that’s what this post should really be titled – I’m Sorry. Because I am full of anxiety about a lot of things. So I feel the need to tell you all I’m Sorry for the things that I am that are apparently offensive to people.

1) I’m Sorry that you misunderstand what I mean when I say “We’re poor”.

What I mean when I say “We’re poor” is that we are in debt. I do not mean we are living on credit cards and government assistance. What I mean is that we have $8000 in school debt and $120000 in house debt. Until we are out of these debts, I consider us “poor”. This means I really think about things before I buy them. Are my pants really unwearable or are they just worn out? Do I really need a new coat, even if it’s “on sale”? I try my best to live with what I have and not spend money on things that aren’t important and that I don’t need. I don’t mind wearing shabby clothes and buying used cars, because it means we can pay off our house and school loans.

I don’t care that my little children, who could care less what they are wearing, have to wear cheap DI clothes and don’t have those $10 flower bows in their hair and wear cloth diapers. I don’t care that I don’t get to eat out all the time. I don’t feel like these things are all that bad to deal with. The things that matter to me are financial security and what God thinks, not what every stranger or person around me sees when they look at me.

So anyway, we make more than we spend and our extra money goes to pay down our debt. This is why when I go out to buy things, sometimes I don’t actually buy stuff. It’s not because I want you to buy it for me. It’s because I’m “poor” – as in I don’t have money. It’s because I want to get out of debt and I’m willing to make sacrifices. I do enjoy going out shopping just for the companionship of it. Please, don’t feel obligated to buy me stuff because I change my mind while we’re at the store… if you offer it, I will be very uncomfortable saying no, because that’s just the way I am for some reason. It’s not because that was my purpose in going to the store with you.

Be aware, we’re not perfect at this. Every once in a blue moon we do buy things we don’t need, but we want. It happens, but not that often.

So anyway, please don’t get offended that I’m having another child because you think I’m poor and maybe going to ask you for handouts or take your tax dollars from the government. We have savings and we have the means to have another child, I promise. And even though we were going to wait for another year or so, my husband and I felt strongly and unequivocally  that it was time for another one. Children are one of those “big ticket purchases” that I’m willing to make, because they are SO worth it and they are more important than getting out of debt first (because I’ll be too old if I wait that long). I love my babies and that’s what matters.

2) I’m Sorry that I’m a Vegetarian (or well, technically a flexitarian)

I will not rant on this too long. I just have to say, I’m sorry that for some unfathomable reason, me being a vegetarian offends you. Since God hasn’t said “Though shalt eat meat every day of thy life” and has instead talked about how he notices the sparrows that fall to the ground and telling us to take care of the earth and the animals. Not to mention the part in the Word of Wisdom (if you’re LDS) where it says that animals should be eaten in times of famine or winter and such things, and additionally multiple stories of various Latter-Day prophets not wanting animals killed or eaten unless necessary, I feel that I’m pretty firm ground here in choosing this lifestyle.

For some reason this offends people though… for heaven’s sake, the WOW does not say you’re going to hell if you eat meat. It’s a temporal law to help us be healthy, and that’s why I eat meat sparingly. Because the rates of cancer and illnesses and all those things scare me and scientists are so split on how to prevent these things that I find it comforting that God has given us this temporal law so that I know how to take care of my body. I don’t care and don’t judge you if you’re a vegetarian or not, you can eat what you want and you’re not going to hell either.

So why does it offend you that I don’t eat animals? I don’t know! I’m so sorry that this is so offensive to you! Why do you get defensive when I mention that I eat that way? Also, why does it seem like you can’t be a conservative that cares about the earth and eats vegetarian food? This really especially confuses m, I am not going to vote to pass a law requiring you to stop eating meat.

Also, if I come to your house I am not going to expect you to make me vegetarian food. Make whatever you want and I’ll eat it because I love you. 🙂

3) I’m Sorry I’m not perfect.

Sorry, I’m just not. I try really hard to be, but I slip. I get mad at my kids sometimes. I get depressed and lonely sometimes. I waste my time most of the day. Please don’t be offended by my lack of perfect-ness and talk behind my back about it with everyone else and then maybe later declare judgmentally what you think of that. Also, I’m sorry if you ever thought I was mean to you on purpose, it’s not true. I try really hard not to be mean or gossip or be judgmental (although, I’m not perfect in those regards). I’m not very good at making food, I’m not a perfect parent or wife, I’m not very good at being productive or making things look nice and I eat a lot of candy/sweets when they are available. I’m really sorry if that offends you.

Ok, so I guess those were the only three things that I think people are bothered by… thinking I’m too poor to have babies or to buy my own stuff, people who find my choices not to be up to snuff and my flexitarian lifestyle. I get these judgmental statements occasionally regarding these things that just make me feel really kind of sad and lonely. I really am not choosing to be this way because it makes a statement or to make you feel like a bad person. I’m trying to do my best to be a good mother and do the things that are right for my family. Please don’t be offended or think that I’m judging you because I am this way.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I am now done by angsty and feel much better. I’m going to try to write nice things once a week… maybe about kittens and rainbows or something.