The “Fat” part

One good thing I found out when I went into the doctor last Friday to get my blood taken to see if I was in the normal hormonal range for 6 weeks of pregnancy, was that I only weighed 234 pounds. This is exciting. When I went to the doctor a few months ago, I weighed almost 250 and wanted to die. But this is great! I was like, wohoo! I lost 15 pounds somehow! And I don’t know what I did! It was exciting. And then I remembered that I’m probably going to gain it back during the pregnancy and I was sad again. It’s not fun being this heavy and pregnant. But, then again, I am 5’9″, so it’s not like I’m waddling and unable to fit through doorways. I just have some… extra… meat on me. I can still fit in bathroom stalls just fine. I think it’s mostly my firm buttocks that make me weigh so much :P.

I am so sad that I am so large though. I really have a self image issue, but who wouldn’t at this weight? I’m 21! I shouldn’t be fat, I should be hip-hopping and sexy… and I wasn’t fat for a long time… but see, here’s the story.

I’ve had depression for a really, really long time. Since I was like 13 or 14. And so they’ve had me on the generic Prozac from 14 on up to 20. And I always kind of hated Prozac, because I felt like a robot. It was hard to cry, it was hard to feel happy… it was hard to be anything but “normal”. And I hated it. Unless, I didn’t take it, and then I had emotions… they were just… depressed, upset, crying, hating the world sort of emotions. I had also heard it was a bit dampening to your libido. So anyway, a little bit before my husband and my engagement was official, I went to the doctor and said “I don’t like Prozac because (all the reasons listed above).” So he gave me Celexa to try. At this point, I was a slim 170 or so, which is about where I’m supposed to be weight-wise. I was sexy, I was hot. I attracted all the boys from miles around. It was great!

Well, I had took this Celexa for a couple of weeks… and suddenly I had gained 10 pounds. I was so confused! What? Why was I gaining 10 pounds before I was to be married? Anyway, so I went back to the doctor, who was also confused, because Celexa is not supposed to cause weight gain. So he put me on Lexapro instead, just a month or so before my wedding. And this seemed to work alright for the time being, and then I sort of forgot about it while I was getting married and stuff. And before I know it, four months later, I’ve gained 70 pounds. What the heck was going on with me?

Well, it turns out that Prozac is an appetite suppressant, while Celexa and Lexapro are both neutral appetite things. And so that’s why I was gaining weight. All of a sudden I was HUNGRY! ALL THE TIME! EAT EAT EAT! HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO! Anyway, the new doctor took me off of depressants entirely, and I seem to be fine now, which is great! No more drugs! But I’m still heavy, because having no medicine is also a neutral thing.

It’s sad though. Especially after I just married my husband.

I mean, he’s great about it. He still says he loves me just as much, despite the fact that every once in a while I burst into tears because I hate the way I look… and I know that he does really love me. He’s the best husband ever. Really. I’m so glad I married him, because he’s just awesome. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I can’t believe I was so lucky.

He also says he doesn’t care at all about my physique, which was hard for me to believe at first… because how could a -man- (this emphasis is to imply how lots of men that I’ve met only care about looks) love a peacock that’s suddenly morphed into a whale? But after a few nights talking about my weight and me crying and him crying because I didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t care, I finally decided to believe that he really didn’t care. That he did love me, despite my weight. It’s good to know this, because I need the support. Being fat is so depressing.

The thing that really gets me now is that I weigh so much more than him (70 pounds more). I just don’t think it’s fair (even though he doesn’t care) that he can have a practically perfectly formed male body and I’m flobbing around all over with stretch marks on my belly and pimples on my face (still! at 21! Ugh). I feel like I’m getting all the benefits or the world is unbalanced or something. He looks so handsome, it’s hard for me not to look at him all the time in awe. It just doesn’t seem to be fair to him. He should be able to have tall, slender, sexy wife to match him, so they can compliment each other as the perfect pair. I just feel like people look at me and him and say “How the heck did -she- rope -him- into marrying her?”. But I guess I shouldn’t care. Because we do love each other ever so much. Hopefully someday I’ll get over it.

Sad.

Oh well. I have to wait until the pregnancy is over to lose any more weight. So I’ve just got to stick it out for now.

Good luck me.